Life of
my discontent
Discontentment.
What does that mean? For some people, its material discontentment.
They can never have enough stuff. Its all about getting more stuff so
that they can keep up with those who are just like them but just a
little further ahead of them. These folks are the people who see the
commercial and then go out the next day and buy what they what saw
advertised to them just the night before. It is never enough, more,
more, more. I can say I have spent some time in this arena. I used to
think that if I had the right stuff I would be happy, and fulfilled.
I was wrong, very wrong. This led to empty place after empty place. I
never felt full. It felt like a Tim Burton film where the lead
character looks upon a endless buffet of stuff and never stops
consuming. I can say that this got old eventually and I knew I could
not find any fulfillment, self-worth, or validation here.
For
other folks discontentment goes into the realm of career choices.
Some folks just cannot seem to find a career that makes sense to
them. That allows them to be themselves, to do what they love to do,
or just make enough money to support their lifestyle (see previous
paragraph for that), some its an issue with feeling oppressed by a
boss or institution that goes against everything they stand for on a
personal or spiritual level. This is where I become what some might
call a career malcontent. Either it was a company that did some
unethical things that I could not support by making them money. Other
times I felt like the boss was keeping me from being who I truly am.
This is one of the contentment issues I still struggle with from time
to time. I write, sing, pray, study theology, follow politics, play
the drums currently learning the bass guitar. I love sports and
poetry which I think I eternally linked when it comes to baseball.
But that is another story. I actually found a few years of
contentment when I was a student pastor at Grace Church of NWA. I
loved it. Until I got cocky and thought I could be a full time
student pastor, a full time student at JBU studying Youth Ministry,
and still be a good husband. Some folks may be able to pull this off
but I am so all or nothing that I nearly lost my wife. So I dropped
it all to focus back on my bride. That was by far the scariest time
of my life. As of today I can say my marriage has healed but my level
of discontentment is still high here. I could use some prayer.
Finally
I think that discontentment can happen even with the Kingdom of God.
This is no fault of our Savior. He has everything we need and them
some. This is where I really have no clear or definitive opinion
here. Sometimes I wonder if spiritual discontentment is a good thing.
You know? Maybe its because if we get content we become complacent
maybe? But then there is the flip side of this paradigm thinking that
if you are where the Lord has placed you then you will be content.
And then there is the truth that His grace is sufficient. He is our
portion. All of that is true. So I struggle with this. Why am I still
so unhappy with my walk with Christ. I am so hungry spiritually that
I feel as though I am going to starve to death. My biggest question
here is where this solution lies. More study? Going back into
pastoral work? Going full time in missions work? This by far has been
my biggest struggle. I feel this constantly. Especially after I hear
a message and automatically think that was awesome, I need more. So
this saga continues here as well.
So this
is a subject that has been on my hear and mind for sometime now. I
wonder if I will ever find relief, happiness, or contenment in these
areas like some folks have. I am seeking the Lord's wisdom and mercy
here for sure. Thanks for reading!
