Discontentment

Life of my discontent

Discontentment. What does that mean? For some people, its material discontentment. They can never have enough stuff. Its all about getting more stuff so that they can keep up with those who are just like them but just a little further ahead of them. These folks are the people who see the commercial and then go out the next day and buy what they what saw advertised to them just the night before. It is never enough, more, more, more. I can say I have spent some time in this arena. I used to think that if I had the right stuff I would be happy, and fulfilled. I was wrong, very wrong. This led to empty place after empty place. I never felt full. It felt like a Tim Burton film where the lead character looks upon a endless buffet of stuff and never stops consuming. I can say that this got old eventually and I knew I could not find any fulfillment, self-worth, or validation here.

For other folks discontentment goes into the realm of career choices. Some folks just cannot seem to find a career that makes sense to them. That allows them to be themselves, to do what they love to do, or just make enough money to support their lifestyle (see previous paragraph for that), some its an issue with feeling oppressed by a boss or institution that goes against everything they stand for on a personal or spiritual level. This is where I become what some might call a career malcontent. Either it was a company that did some unethical things that I could not support by making them money. Other times I felt like the boss was keeping me from being who I truly am. This is one of the contentment issues I still struggle with from time to time. I write, sing, pray, study theology, follow politics, play the drums currently learning the bass guitar. I love sports and poetry which I think I eternally linked when it comes to baseball. But that is another story. I actually found a few years of contentment when I was a student pastor at Grace Church of NWA. I loved it. Until I got cocky and thought I could be a full time student pastor, a full time student at JBU studying Youth Ministry, and still be a good husband. Some folks may be able to pull this off but I am so all or nothing that I nearly lost my wife. So I dropped it all to focus back on my bride. That was by far the scariest time of my life. As of today I can say my marriage has healed but my level of discontentment is still high here. I could use some prayer.

Finally I think that discontentment can happen even with the Kingdom of God. This is no fault of our Savior. He has everything we need and them some. This is where I really have no clear or definitive opinion here. Sometimes I wonder if spiritual discontentment is a good thing. You know? Maybe its because if we get content we become complacent maybe? But then there is the flip side of this paradigm thinking that if you are where the Lord has placed you then you will be content. And then there is the truth that His grace is sufficient. He is our portion. All of that is true. So I struggle with this. Why am I still so unhappy with my walk with Christ. I am so hungry spiritually that I feel as though I am going to starve to death. My biggest question here is where this solution lies. More study? Going back into pastoral work? Going full time in missions work? This by far has been my biggest struggle. I feel this constantly. Especially after I hear a message and automatically think that was awesome, I need more. So this saga continues here as well.

So this is a subject that has been on my hear and mind for sometime now. I wonder if I will ever find relief, happiness, or contenment in these areas like some folks have. I am seeking the Lord's wisdom and mercy here for sure. Thanks for reading!

Coloring outside..............

I have never claimed to be a normal person. I have always walked funny and a little outside the lines. I colored outside the lines as a child as well. I think along the same lines as well. Honestly, that is one of the major ideals that led me to Jesus. He pissed a lot of folks off. I liked that. I could imagine the Sanhedrin stewing in their disgust at His existence. Jesus was a rebel, a dissenter, a troublemaker. However, once I got to know Abba I fell in love with His compassion. I felt my heart ache for people I never knew but only heard of their suffering on a news headline or a newspaper and would feel some sense of sadness of grief. Sometimes I would even weep when I heard of a tortured person or animal. Suffering breaks my heart like never before. It was then I knew that my heart was dying, and His heart was taking the dead space and making it His victory. At first I welcomed the transformation. However, it wasn't long before I fought back. I began to feel as though I knew my heart better than the Creator of my heart. I guess I got too comfortable. At first I thought getting comfortable was a good thing. I was wrong. It seems in my case that the more uncomfortable I am here the closer I feel to Abba. And the closer I get to Abba the more uncomfortable this place makes me feel. Instead of running from this I can fell my soul embrace it. So I begin to wonder if I am meant to stay in a constant state of irritation and discomfort. I believe the answer is yes. However, not as a normal person would think. I am not talking about a sunburn or a dose of poison ivy, or a 5 hour wait at the DMV. I am feeling as though it is a place where I am not of this world. I am not as comfortable here as I once was. I am definitely coloring outside the lines that I had drawn for myself years ago. It is art.

Phil 3:13-14

Mind Yoga

Well as many of you may know I have not written anything in months. Honestly, I quit writing because I felt as if nobody read what I wrote. But lately I have realized something. Writing is like some emotional, psychological, yoga for my mind and soul. I need this.  I feel the need to create again. I have begun taking photography classes and I am writing again. I will warn you. I write from my heart and from my soul. So I my writing may offend, concern, or enrage.  Please know that I do not write to elicit any emotional response only to provoke thought and dialogue. I write only to express myself. My views are sometimes controversial. I think that is so only due to the fact that I do shy away from anything. Any topic is fair game. I write with passion so there may be times I am not grammatically correct or politically correct. 

So, that being said I would love it if you read my blog weekly as I plan to write once a week. Topics will range from religion, politics, art, music,sports and beer. So if you read this, I want to thank you. Please feel free to leave any feedback or comments you wish to. I love life and I love to talk about it. thanks.

JH

Yeshua is the Hebrew name for Jesus. Jesus is the name of the Son of God and my Savior and friend. I am currently studying the Gospels. As I read them I see Jesus' interaction with humanity on a very intimate scale. His interactions with His disciples is especially poignant. Things really get intense as Jesus nears His crucifixion. The last time He broke bread with His disciples was perhaps the most intense as He identifies His betrayer as one of them. Imagine, you have followed the Messiah witnessing miracles, hearing prophecy experiencing Jesus' ministry first hand. Wow!! To a baseball player that would be like being Babe Ruth's bat boy, or to a jazz fan (myself included) being a roadie for Charlie Parker, if jazz musicians have roadies that is. Imagine then witnessing Jesus' death. How heart wrenching that must have been for them. I guess as close as we can get is to watch the Passion of the Christ to witness the crucifixion. Thanks Mel! You're crazy but you directed and produced a great movie! I cannot watch that movie without weeping uncontrollably. I weep because I can close to seeing what MY sin did to Jesus. Yes I know that He died for the sin of the world. But I only know my sin. Imagine then that even though you are a sinner Jesus chose you to be His disciple and there you are watching Him die. Then once He is gone all the doubt that consumed them must have been unbearable. Then three days later the joy and hope that sprung from the empty tomb. Fast forward to today. We are Jesus' disciples. Jesus' life, love, and sacrifice compels us  to love, make disciples, and live out our faith. However, lets not forget nor take for granted the life Jesus led before His death, and the life He lives now in us. Jesus died and rose again so we could have that relationship with Him. A relationship that is intimate. Not a distanced relationship like some deity with his subjects ruling over them with an iron fist. Jesus died and lives to love us, be with us daily, to walk with us, weep with us, rejoice with us, and to face life with us. So this is what a propose. Let's live like it! I know none of us are perfect none of us do the things that we should everyday. I am convinced that Jesus does not care about that. He only wants us to love Him, love one another, and live our lives according to the faith we have in Him. Sound good? Let's go!

People are people

Well it has been a long time since I have written. In fact I was about to delete this account but decided that even though I only have 4 followers its not about the quantity of followers but the quality of those who care to read what I have to say from time to time. Now on to the matter of my heart today.

For the longest time I have blindly followed what others led me to believe was Gospel like you have to vote conservatively or you have to help us stop gay marriages. It is funny that none of these people are the Judge of all mankind. None of us are. I refuse to do anything but love my fellow man and fight for his or her right to have the same freedoms and rights that I enjoy everyday. I will support love and equality for everyone because the love of God is for everyone not just for Republicans, heterosexuals, U.S. citizens, or for those who watch Fox News. So this is who I am take it or leave it.
Love & Peace!
James

Wandering

Anyone ever get the feeling that its time to get the heck out of dodge? Has anyone ever felt that yearning to pack up and go somewhere that you have never been? I am not talking about a quick little trip either. I'm talking about a radical move to somewhere else. A complete paradigm shift, lifestyle change, change is scenery whatever you wish to call it.

I am feeling that way right now. I woke up this morning and I had to fight the urge to pack up my family and head north, or south, east, maybe west. I really wish I could. It's not that I do not love NWA or Arkansas for that matter. I do. But maybe I have worn out my welcome here. I dunno. I really feel isolated among friends, and family. I long for the simplistic life of no attachments, or obligation. I realize I am dreaming. I have obligations. Or do I? I can take my son, and my wife anywhere I go. I feel one with them as I should. There is a point of creation that this movement is originating from. It could be my Savior. Yahweh is mine, and I am His. He is always with me. I feel as though this feeling, yearning, or stir of my soul is from Him. Part of me longs to stir the pot in NYC. Another part of me wants a mountain existence. SO it could be that wandering spirit that lives within me. Constantly pushing me. Reminding me that I do not belong here. What do I do?

I am listening to Billy Bragg and the Jayhawks send my soul into a comfortable restlessness. Yeah, I think that I need to make my way somewhere. Not talking about roots. Although that would the sensible thing to do. Well if anyone reads this, cool. If not then at least my therapy session is proving profitable within me. I'm out of here kids. Talk to you soon. The yearning continues.

First Day

Well here we are, I begin what will be my last year at NWACC. I am ready to get this done. Next year its off to Arkansas Tech for my Public Relations B.S. I have some great classes this semester like Film Arts, American National Government, Macroeconomics, and Sociology. I am still in SIFE, and have become a reporter for the "Eagle View" which is the paper for NWACC. I am really looking forward to dabbling in some journalism. I have already started my first article. All this is cool, however, my son began his last year in elementary school last Wednesday. Although that does have an element of excitement to it I do feel a sense of sadness. Next year he will be in middle school. I knew when we adopted him at the age of 9 that things would move a lot faster than if we had adopted him at age 3. Anyway all that to say that I am incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to finish my education. My blessing are many. My son, my incredibly wonderful wife, my family (both sides), and my authentic church family. With all of the firsts that my family and I are experiencing these days one thing remains constant and unchanging.

That one thing is the love that my Savior has for me ,and for us! He never gets tired of loving us even with our our sinful shenanigans. "For God so loved the world..." we have all heard it many times. But folks, its still true! Its still valid, trustworthy, constant, merciful, and dominating. Yes dominating. If the love of a mighty God does not dominate your life then an "oil check" might be in order. There is literally not a day that goes by that I am not reminded of His love for me that led Him to the Cross. I see it in my wife's smile, my son's hugs and kisses, a delicious cup of coffee from Mamma Carmen's, great conversations with brothers in Christ over that very cup of coffee. So folks be encouraged! No matter what kind of day you are having now, no matter what trial your experiencing now, Christ has been there, and He is with you NOW!

Grace & Peace,

WD